Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 7- The Dragon And The Wolf
THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF
It’s the finale of Series 7. This blog has got a lot of unexpected traction and it’s been a delight to write, despite being a lot of words to write every week, but you know, I’ve managed to keep to my weekly schedule. Hey, George RR Martin, perhaps you should take a leaf out from my book…
Thank you for reading and thank you for enjoying it. Hopefully I’ll see you when Season 8 comes out (if there isn’t a pesky nuclear armageddon by then). If you enjoy this you will probably enjoy my other projects. Keep up to date with my work by following me. Find my live dates at www.matthosscomedy.com (you can also check out things there like my podcast: The Drunken Comedian Podcast). You can follow me @MattHossComedy on facebook and twitter. And whilst you are there - why don't you post about this blog?
But here is Episode 7: THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF – which is a great pub name (I imagine it has ales like “Sandor’s Burnt Chicken”, “Joffrey’s Murder Mischief Delight” and “Bolton’s Bastard Blossom”). I digress… here is EPISODE 7!
The episode starts with The Unsullied outside the walls of King's Landing who patiently wait for further orders. However the Dothraki arrive late and decide to show off and humiliate the punctual Unsullied. The Dothraki were probably late because they were having sex and killing each other, whereas the Unsullied are just too keen and professional, so they arrived at the battlefield early. Dothrakis are like Jocks and Unsullied are nerds; as is proved as we see Dothraki giving the Unsullied a wedgie, breaking their thick reading glasses and taking their lunch money. Those guys are such pointdexters!
Inside the walls of King’s Landing, Hot oil is made to be poured on the enemy. This oil was taken from the deep-fat fryers from the aforementioned ‘Dragon and Wolf’ pub. Bronn supervises this (by which I mean he is the manager of the pub). The oil is leftover from all the baked goods that Hot Pie makes.
In a world of wights, dragons and the fate of the entire world at stake, Bronn really has his priorities straight: he still demands to be made a lord. Bronn complains about the Unsullied to Jaime “Men without cocks… wouldn’t find me in an army if I had no cock… what’s left to fight for?”. Bronn isn’t great at small talk is he? Maybe just ask about the weather? Jaime replies bluntly “Gold? Honour? Pride? Survival? Heroism? For love? For protection? For right and wrong? To fight for yourself!?!!”
Bronn replies “Fuck that”.
This triggers Jaime to have an existential crisis and he asks “What if it is all just cocks in the end?”. I think Voltaire wrote that once. Renly and Oberyn are thrilled at the idea but Theon and Varys upset at this notion.
THE WORLD’S GREATEST CROSSOVER EPISODE
The meeting involves ALL THE MAJOR characters from the show all in a single meeting. All roads lead to the Dragonpit. It’s so surreal to see all the characters at the Dragonpit and it is like a crossover episode except everyone is trying desperately not to murder each other at any given moment. When the dragons arrive, if they accidentally sneeze out fire onto this group, the next series would be pretty bare. It would just be Sam trying to fend off the White Walkers by himself (whilst Gilly would just be annoying him with asinine bullshit about Sam Jr.).
A lot of characters have snippets of conversations with people they’ve missed dearly or have attempted to murder. OR BOTH. The Hound mostly just says “FUCK OFF” to everyone who attempts conversation with him. Did you know that both Sandor and Bronn use the same script: it’s just “Fuck off” scrawled onto a napkin. The scriptwriters took an early day when writing their scripts. The meeting goes ahead at the Dragonpit and here are some basic statistics.
"FUCK OFF... oh sorry that was Sandor's line. Apologies"
Awkward family reunions :3 – (Clegane, Lannisters Greyjoys)
Amount of healthy discussions about their family issues: 0
Amount of Davos’ Razzler magazines in shot: 45
The amount of sexual tension: [OFF THE CHARTS]
The amount of time The Hound spent fighting beyond the wall: 36 Hours
The amount of time The Hound spent travelling to King’s landing: 2 weeks
The amount of time The Hound spent at the meeting before fucking off: 2 minutes.
Number of Cleganebowls: 0 L
Amount of #Hype: Unreal standards
Amount of Ed Sheeran appearances in this series: Too many.
How many callbacks in this blog about Ed Sheeran: Too many.
How many times an expletive has been at the meeting: 708
How many words in a script: 719.
Distasteful Dwarf Jokes made: 1
How many people laughed: 0 (even Theon commented it was shit).
How many tits on screen this series: Not as many as people make out or would have liked.
How many dicks on screen: Just Bronn.
Westeros' Got Talent is really something this year. Those judges are hard to impress.
Dany arrives fashionably late on her brand new Dragon Uber (Brand new Ice theme now available). Euron gets the summit rolling with important business. What shall they discuss first? The dragons? The white walkers? NO- the Iron Islands- OBVIOUSLY! Everyone sighs and takes a nap. Euron is told to sit down by Cersei. I mean, how annoying does Euron have to be if Cersei has to be the one telling him to calm down.
The most necessary subtitle ever.
The wight is unleashed and it comes out to attack Cersei. She is genuinely scared. The group sees something terrifying, rare and magical – Cersei is polite to her guests. It did require a magical being but yes, she was civil for 5 minutes. What a character arc.
They chop it in half (the Wight not Cersei), set on fire and Qyburn gets a massive boner about it all. Jon then demonstrates professionally how to kill off a white walker, and he makes it seem like a Dragon’s Den pitch and it is rather effective. “We’re asking for 50 million dollars, half of westeros and an army that can vanquish the dead – oh and for you not to murder me”.
The Queen contemplates their offer. Meanwhile, Euron leaves the meeting as the wight is the only thing that he has ever seen that terrifies him. Well except self-awareness and commitment. He pulls away his forces from the Lannisters. Despite this Cersei agrees to a truce…
… IF Jon stays out of the war between Dany and Cersei. But seeing as he has just Bent The Knee for Dany, he can’t exactly follow through with that. So Jon could lie to a known villainous Queen to save the world OR he could tell her the truth and ruin everything and kill Westeros because of “Honour” (which was the same thing that killed Ned Stark). Well like, father like son – Jon tells the truth. Idiot. Cersei hates the truth and leaves the meeting.
Everyone reacts to Jon’s decision in the same way. “Ermm Thanks I suppose? But what the fuck Jon? You have messed this one up big time”. Jon replies “WELL what about honour?” Everyone shouts back in unison “FUCK HONOUR!”. Jon gets upset about words meaning nothing and says that lies devalue the meaning of promises. He's not wrong, but maybe Jon can tell that to the legion of white walkers that are coming this way. Maybe they’ll agree?
"I've made a huge mistake"
Tyrion goes in to see Cersei by himself which is like walking into a Lion’s den (literally). Jaime says his goodbye as he doesn’t expect to see his brother again – ever the optimist. Tyrion walks into Cersei’s chamber. Tyrion reminisces “Ah last time I was in this area, I killed my backstabbing foreign prostitute/girlfriend AND my father who was sleeping with her, before fleeing to Essos as a fugitive- Good times”.
The siblings catch-up with one another, with some small talk like “Oh – you killed my children” “You humiliated me and tried to kill me” and “the weather is nice”. That’s how my family talk to each other too. Tyrion has quite the gambit and openly asks to be killed by Ser Gregor. Ser Gregor is confused – or at least I think he is. I don’t know. To be honest, anything could be behind those eyes. Gregor doesn’t really do much- he is just like an accessory for Cersei. A big, walking, monstrous killing accessory. Fashionable too.
Tyrion pours out wine for them both and they settle their differences. They drink the wine and Tyrion finds out that Cersei is preggers. He was going to tell her off for drinking the wine, but I think the relationship was fragile enough without telling her off further. They go back to the group and announce that…
…Cersei has committed her forces to the fight against the White Walkers. HOLY SHIT – EVERYONE IS WORKING TOGETHER. WHAT IS HAPPENING. I am a bit annoyed. Everyone should be caring about their own ego and be opposing each other for trivial reasons. I can’t stand for this unity. Fortunately the next scene has EXACTLY what I’m looking for…
The secondary character club is having a blast.
You know what they say: Little finger, Little….
Here is the 'bitter' to the 'sweetness' in the prior scene. The 'Little' to the 'finger'. The 'Giant' to the 'prick'. Baelish attempts to turn Sansa against Arya and to ultimately discredit Jon as King Of The North. I don’t think anyone really knows what LF’s long term plan is. I don’t think he does. I think he like to be conniving and mysterious. Like a cartoon villain. Because if she unnames Jon, he assumes that Sansa will be Lady of Winterfell (she won’t- it would surely be Bran? Remember him?) Who knows what he had plans for.
Littlefinger tries to play a game with Sansa, but she rejects his advance to play “Find the pickle” (I don't even think that it is a real game). Instead they play the “Worst situation game” which is a board game coming out soon for very dysfunctional families (I've bought 7 copies). Littlefinger feeds and exploits Sansa’s doubts. Littlefinger is the personification of paranoia and self-doubt, making the scene look like a anti-drugs campaign advert but done by casting a pervert to be the effects of cannabis.
Arya is called for trial. She goes in and a door ominously behind her is closed. Nothing good ever happens when a door is shut behind a Stark. I was scared, as if I had PTSD from the Red Wedding (YOU WEREN’T THERE MAAAN). Sansa formally addresses the court about the trial and begins the formalities with legal talk towards her sister. Arya elegantly replies with a dignified “alright then. Get on with it pet”. A poet. Sansa charges the crimes of Murder and treason to PETYR BAELISH. SANSA does the ol’ two-one flip onto LF and accuses him of murder.
- "I've made a huge mistake”
Littlefinger writhes like a pathetic worm and attempts to worm his way out, of the situation. But the three Starks unite and throw everything at him and he crumbles quickly. Littlefinger’s line of defense is being outraged, pleading, confessing love and begging. Here is what it bottles down too
LF: I love your mum
LF: I love you SANSA?
Some of the Westeros' Got Talent contestants get a little too desperate to please...
Bran, does his only useful thing this series, uses his powers of being able to see absolutely everything, to quote what LF has said about Jon Arryn when he was behind closed doors. Bran is essentially CCTV evidence.
The trial isn’t really much of a trial. They just blame Littlefinger, the court mildly agrees and then Arya mercilessly slays Littlefinger. I guess some could say she had a STONEHEART (That joke is exclusively for book fans). Littlefinger is dead. And I was really surprised at myself… as I was actually a little sad. I KNOW. I’ve been hating on him for ages, but seeing how pathetic and powerless he was made me feel for him. I now know what girls feel like after I ask them out. Fortunately they don’t slit my throat (most of the time). Sansa and Arya start bonding over the execution of Littlefinger. ("*Teehee* we murdered him in court *teehee*") How sweet. They start mending wounds and become BFFs again (whilst Bran is sat outside in the cold). Nevertheless, the pack survives.
We are NEVER NEVER NEVER, getting back together
Jaime, understandably, begins sending troops to Winterfell as had been agreed by the impromptu alliance to fight the White walkers. Cersei is angry at Jaime for following through with the agreed plan and for not instantly betraying all of his friends/allies/people that will keep their family from dying.
It’s weird that Jon almost killed everyone for his honour, but Cersei is willing to kill everyone for her lack of honour. Jaime feels awful as he made a promise to people he respects. His pledge means something now (and this is significant as Jaime is such a different character to what he was in Series 1- He is no longer "Kingslayer" but "Jaime"). Jaime is now SO HONOURABLE that he would only push a small boy from a window when he is caught having sex IF that boy was a White Walker OR Ed Sheeran.
Jaime points out how stupid and trivial Cersei’s plan is. If the dead win now, they will be killed. If Dany and Jon win, they will be killed for betrayal. It’s a no-win situation. But instead or arguing with facts or reason, Cersei asks “What happened to the third dragon?” which is the Westeros equivalent to “Yeah but what about her emails?”. On top of that, Cersei also has an amazing wealth on her side, due to the Iron Bank. Cersei is essentially Trump. Lots of money, huge ego and a weird sexual attraction to their own family members. All Cersei needs is a twitter account and some fake tan and you won’t be able to tell them apart.
Jaime and Cersei fight nastily as Jaime realises that Euron and Cersei had plotted without Jaime’s knowledge. Cersei still promises Euron marriage: which you know, as Jaime is her lover, I can imagine why he might be annoyed. Tensions spark and Jaime effectively decides to leave Cersei, for good.
"I've made a huge mistake"
Cersei barks at Jaime “NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM ME”. That’s true, but they are able to limp away, crawl away,& be transported by ambulance away. The Mountain unsheathes his sword and Cersei threatens his life. In a moment of terror, Jaime calls to be killed (the second Lannister brother to do that in this episode) and he leaves King's Landing on a horse. Jaime and Cersei are no more. Eek What a messy break-up. Are they going to remain friends? Well at least they can still be brother and sister. Jaime rides off into the distance – presumably to find Tyrion… maybe to see if there is any romance still available on that side of the family tree. Out with one sibling, in with the other.
Let’s finish on a high note. IT’S SAM AND BRAN.
Sam arrives in Winterfell. *sighs everywhere*. He goes to meet Bran. Why? Dunno. Who cares!? Not me!
Sam: What happened to you beyond the wall?
Bran: Became the Three eyed raven
Sam, like a parent trying to understand what the new thing technology their child is into is, simply says “oh” and pretends to know what it is. In the next season, Sam is taught by Bran how to turn on a computer, send emails and how to use a mobile telephone. It’s essentially the first half of I, Daniel Blake. In all fairness, Bran is a dick for just expecting people to know what "THE THREE EYED RAVEN" is all the time. Could you try and be a bit more helpful and less mopey. How can someone that sees everything be so blind to social conventions.
After years of skirting around the rumour that Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar are Jon’s true parents – Bran just comes out as says it bluntly. Suspense 101. Sam and Bran, like the worlds’ worst detectives, figure out that Jon is actually the true to the throne. But obviously, knowledge of his heritage won’t bring any problems for Jon… AND he’s fucking his Auntie.
Then we start seeing Jon and Dany rocking the boat to Winterfell. They see that Jaime and Cersei have finally split up so they feel that can start their relationship. Obviously there can only be one incest power couple in Westeros at a single time. Don’t ask what the Night King is going to do if he wins Westeros…
The series ends with the White Walkers marching through the wall, which the Ice Dragon has melted down. It’s a terrifying scene. I mean, it has taken them seven seasons to get there. But still, we witness a terrifying end to series seven…
Winter has come.
Next year's applicants for Westeros' Got Talent look FIERCE.
FINAL SHIT THIS WEEK:
- Jon says to Dany “You’re not like everyone else”. “Oh that’s romantic”. “By which I mean, that you are a dragon queen, killed lots of slavers, burnt an entire Khalasar and has had sex with their nephew”. I think I’ve seen that on a Hallmark card once.
- Bran “I remember everything”. Forgets crucial detail about Jon Snow’s heritage. What a dick.
- Theon, Westeros’ most spat-on character, becomes Roshambo champion of Westeros. Also he continues to drive the plot to the most boring plotline to save Yara/Asha/Potentially Lily Allen. This Reeks!
- The Ice Dragon melts the wall and fast-tracks Global Warming. The armies of the north are fighting to protect the now-endangered polar bears. WWF are leading the fight against the White Walkers.
Thank you for reading. Please share with your friends.
See you next year.