‘BEND THE KNEE’ – With Matt Hoss
Or alternatively known as: A SONG OF MATT AND HOSS
Season 7 of Game Of Thrones has finally been released. As a mega-fan of the series, an avid-reader of the books and having once performed an entire show about Game Of Thrones, I thought I’d give my response to each episode as they come out every week. Some people have sports to commentate upon, some have politics – I have Game Of Thrones. Aren’t you proud of my now mum? (The answer is always “I will be when you move out of my basement”).
This goes very deeply into spoilers for each episode, so get up to date and read/listen to this when you have watched the new episode. Enjoy, share and let me know what you think. Valar Morghulis.
SEASON 7 EPISODE 1- DRAGONSTONE
IT’S BACK EVERYONE. Everyone’s favourite show about murder, betrayal and lust (outside of the specifically bad Crimewatch episode) is back.
This series promises to be hotter than saying ‘Dracarys’ to an Astaporian Slavemaster. Yes -We’ve started off niche! And there are some really awe-striking moments in the episode:
Daenerys: “I’VE ARRIVED IN WESTEROS”
Arya: “So? I MURDERED THE ENTIRITY OF THE FREYS single-handily”
Samwell: “I cleaned shit and READ A BOOK.”
Outside of the episode, this week has been pretty focused on the news that the new Doctor Who is to be female. And there has been quite a reaction from both left-wing people who have applauded the decision and lots of people from the right who unpleasantly disagree with the fact that the Timelord is to be female. I was going to post some tweets sayinghow much a fictional programme about an alien in space has sparked such a serious reaction. I wanted to complain that it was silly how people are making such a big deal about it. However I then reminded myself I was writing about the new GOT series, and the irony of me writing a ten-part blog whilst undermining other people’s reaction to a fictional thing wasn’t exactly fair.
Overall, it was a pretty strong start to the series and it really is starting to sew the final chapters together. There were some really great moments, some real filler and there was also Ed Sheeran *groan*.
Despite going heavily off-book for a while now, I thought it was sweet that certain parts of the episode really reflected the moods and tones of the books quite heavily. Like the books, there are long passages where nothing really happens, a couple of characters chat about something banal and then the scene ends. I want to see more authentic scenes like that please.
But it’s obvious that the show has such a more serious and sinister edge to it now as it gets into 7th season. There is no more joviality to it! Long are the days of wine, mirth and shagging. I mean there weren’t even any breasts in this episode. The show has changed maaaan. Anyway, let’s get into show analysis.
Tying up loose Freys
This season starts off with an absolute banger. The scene begins at The Twins with Lord of the Riverlands, Walder Frey, having a feast with all his many sons in his great hall. There are lots Freys in the family – whenever they get under one roof, it’s just Wall-to-Walder Freys (Pun Number 1). There are so many Freys because Lord Walder had so many wives and thus so many children because of it. The Walder we see is a bitter, twisted old man and it begs the audience to wonder how exactly he got so many wives?! It certainly wasn’t his personality.
A lot of people say "Big dick"
But with all the Freys under one roof, they all seemed jovial, drinking wine and they don’t seem to remember the Stark infestation they had last time they were there. They don’t seem to care about the consequences. They aren’t aFREYaid (Pun Number 2). I’m sorry.
Walder stands to address his many sons, giving out kool aid/wine to his many sons. He stops a glass of wine going to his new and very underage wife and he says “Not wasting good wine on a girl”. Jeez -Apparently Walder Frey wrote a lot of those Daily Mail articles about Jodie Whitaker as well. It’s an odd comment from Walder, but there is a slim chance it could be coming from a really good place. He could either be a) an abusive husbandor b) a concerned citizen stopping a young girl from drinking illegally. He’s not all bad!
The Freys are really bad, not because they murder a family. No they are bad because all they talk about is murdering the family; they talk about it as the only significant thing they’ve ever done in their lives. They talk about how they butcher the Starks in their own halls- like- ALL the time, even when it's inappropriate. They bring it up constantly. They only harp on about the only significant thing they achieved. The Freys are essentially like UKIP. And like UKIP, they are all pretty much eradicated now. Yes. Poisoned by their own hubris.
Yes Arya Stark was actually disguised as Walder and murdered everyone in the room. Thank god it wasn’t Walder though, or else his track record for being a formidable party host would be torn to shreds. Imagine him trying to compete on Come Dine With Me. He would absolutely kill it.
This first scene was one of my favourites of the whole episode for a very obvious reason – Arya’s touch to traditional Frey Décor. Many people have been influenced by the show – like naming their children “Khaleesi” – but I think this might influence people more. Soon we'll be seeing dead Freys littered in every home, indicating to house guests that Winter has come, like very depressing Christmas decorations.
Arya is back kicking ass. She has given up the identity of “no one” mostly because she was sick of her mail always going to the wrong place. That being said, the identity of “No one” was very helpful when fighting cyclops from Greek myths. (Anyone? No?). Game Of Thrones started strong, and went onto to have some interesting following scenes.
Bran has made it back to The Wall. Well, more like Meera Reed made it to The Wall, but Bran was dragged along. Finally, after so many episodes, Bran’s story might actually have some relevance and his narrative might start paying off. This was allegorically shown with the fact that Meera Reed was literally dragging Bran back into the plot and into Castle Black, despite his wishes. But you know, leopards can’t change his spots – he is not seen for the rest of the episode (In the time for him to be seen at the wall by Edd and taken through the other side – Daenerys traveled from Essos to Dragonstone).
Take me back to the weird tree people plz
Back in (Castle) Black
We are then treated to the new King Of The North, Jon Snow (Emo Jesus) and Sansa Stark (Ginger Alanis Morrissette) making decisions about whether to pardon the sins of specific northern families. Before he does that Jon gives out orders akin to a Victorian Factory owner. He says
“We need t’mine. Everyone from age 10 to 60 will drill daily for spikes, pike and bow and arrows”.
Funnily enough, this line came directly from the 2017 Tory Manifesto.
Lots of children are present at the meeting,as they are rulers of the house because most people in Westeros are now dead, meaning that only the children of the houses are ruling which creates a quasi-‘Lord Of The Flies’ society. In this society, wars are started over Ice Cream and settled with “My dad is stronger than your dad”, and might lead for people having their mid-life crisis at 12.
Jon also discusses his time as the Lord Commander- I wish he had said “Being Lord Commander of the wall seems so long ago – seems like a different life”. I’m surprised that when Jon Snow came back to life he didn’t regenerate into Catherine Tate or something (It’s not JANE SNOW). Jon Snow’s return from the dead is easily his best party trick- however imagine how bad you feel for the men who murdered him: How awkward must it be to murder a guy and have him come back to life. You would have some real explaining to do. It’s like a cruel and incompetent boss who fires the new employee, only to find that the new employee was actually the owner of the business doing The Secret Millionaire.Abosultely gutted mate.
I've made a huge mistake.
There is a smidgen of tension between Jon and Sansa as they both decide on what they must do and how not to be “Stark-ish” and get themselves being killed for being stupidly nice. Jon asks Sansa “Do you think I’m Joffrey”. A question with no happy answer and a question which is to appear in the new edition of Cards Against Humanity.
The VERY Red Keep
And we are back in King’s Landing where everything is in political turmoil, as the Lannister Christmas Card list get shorter and shorter. Cersei is Queen and attempts to sew a message of “Strong and Stable” despite having little control and everyone sees through her façade quite clearly (*Turns to camera and winks* AMIRITE?).
Satire is a piece of piss.
Jaime and Cersei discuss their political plays, and how they will get people to Bend The Knee. To be honest, I thought the “Bend The Knee” might be the first ever Westerosi boyband. This might be the only fucking reason why Ed Sheeran actually turned up in the fucking episode. Maybe he thinks he is still at Glastonbury? In all fairness, Westeros and Glastonbury are both muddy, have a big wall to keep out unwanted people and they both unnecessary have Ed Sheeran there. (N.B. I don’t actually mind Ed Sheeran).
You might recognise “Bend The Knee” with hits such as “RELIGHT MY FIRE (an ode to the Hound)” “I want you back (alive- but I’m pretty sure you died four seasons ago) ” and “Ain’t no Mountain High enough – but seriously though have you seen him – he’s fucking huge”.
This musical theme is reflective with Cersei and Jaime, as they both look like musicians: Jaime, with a red scarf around his neck, looks like he is in Mumford and Sons, or a Country star who sings about shagging his sister. And Cersei is dressed like she is the singer in a Finnish Black Metal band.
Cersei is desperate for allies and she asks out to the world: “Who is here to help the Lannisters?” The leader of the Iron Islands says “Euron!!” (Pun Number 3. Doesn’t really work written down. Meant to be “You’re on”. That’s the last pun.)
Yes, Euron, the man who looks like a washed-up rock star who has had too much cocaine and not enough chart hits. He has come negotiate an alliance with The Lannisters and he attempts to do so by doing the WORST proposal ever to Queen Cersei. I mean, there was no scented candles, no flowers, and he hadn’t even organised a stringed quartet. AND HE proposed to her in front of her current lover (not that he knew that though). To be honest, he seemed half-hearted- I don’t think he really loves her. He didn’t have a great game of seduction. Although, he said that he’d give her a 1000 new ships. What a sweetheart – It’s so sweet that I’m going to put the same offer in my Tinder profile. By offering the 1000 ships, Euron attempts makes Cersei the new Helen Of Troy (a face to launch 1000 ships). That would work, if Helen was psychopathic, and could have killed all the Trojans single handily without the horse.
Cersei flatly rejects him, and he then promises that he will return once again to prove his affection. He says: “I’ll find you the most priceless gift to prove my love”, which sparks a new Game Of Thrones RomCom in which Euron goes around the world. It would be a really cute RomCom if there wasn’t any regicide, homicide, fratricide, incest and betrayal everywhere. It would be called“50 Shades of GreyJoy”, “(500) Days of Winter” or “Punch-Drunk-Marrying-you-for-power” Coming to cinema near you soon.
Other shit this week.
Dany, after 6 seasons of titting about, finally arrives in Westeros. Finally! She better not be like “Whoops, I left the oven on in Essos, better pop back for another 18 seasons”
Samwell Tarly is shown disposing of shit and cleaning pots at his new job at working a Swindon Travelodge (I’ve been there before).
Cersei finds out about Tyrion’s location:
Cersei: "Daenerys has chosen Tyrion to be her new hand”
Jaime: “Too soon”.
We see the White-Walkers marching towards Westeros. But they apparently carry a lot of racist views and they are very pro-Trump. So George RR Martin has renamed them “The Alt-Right Walkers” or alternatively they can be called “Literal Snowflakes”.
But her emails...
That’s all for this week – Thanks for Bending The Knee. Enjoy, share and we’ll see you next week.