Bend The Knee – Matt Hoss' Game Of Thrones Blog
Series 7 Episode 2: STORMBORN
What a bumperpack episode! I had planned to keep it a lot lighter after last week’s behemoth blog, but like a dead Clegane, I come back alive with a vengeance. Spoilers ahead. Enjoy and please share with your friends!
Eye of the Stormborn
We start where episode one finished, with Dany and her advisors around Stannis’ old War table. Remember Stannis? Rack your brains. He’s the one… you know… the grumpy king? Not that one. He was the one who burnt his only daughter alive for a battle he didn’t even win. Remember? That seems so long ago. Remember when the worst thing in Westeros was Joffrey hitting a chubby baker’s boy? Or when Sansa’s Direwolf was put down. The story is far darker now. Shit has got real. Game Of Thrones is essentially mirroring real-life in that aspect. The two worlds share many similarities; in fact only difference between real-life and Game Of Thrones, is that with Game Of Thrones there is a chance that I might be able to see boobs. It’s a small chance we can but hope.
Daenerys Targaryen discusses what type of Queen she should be in this coming invasion. Daenerys claims that she doesn’t want to be “Queen of the Ashes”. This is a good thing really, as she never plays cricket and she’d be rubbish playing against Australia. She won’t be “Queen of the Ashes” but she is at the very least Queen of “Over-long and unnecessary hard-to-spell names”.
Varys and Daenerys have a stormy encounter. It was a close shave for a man who has literally has a close shave. Varys has to lie for his life and say that his intentions is to help the common people, which he says whilst wearing an expensive silk gown: you don’t see many of those in Flea Bottom do you? Varys channels his inner-Corbyn and he attempts to claim to be working for the many, for all the common people. Next we’ll be seeing Varys with the hashtag #GrimeforVarys, eating Pringles on youtube and doing headline speech Glastonbury festival (at least he will better than fucking Ed Sheeran). He almost sounds Marxist with his rhetoric – well as Marxist as you can get with a Queen with three dragons who plans for total domination.
Dany entirely mistrusts Varys and almost kills him but she gives him a final chance to prove loyalty and Varys swears his allegiance. However the dialogue in this scene sounds like they are doing their own take of the Dirty Dancing classic: “Time Of My Life”.
Dany: Do you swear your loyalty to me Varys?
Varys: (Sings) I Swear. It’s the truth.
Dany: And I swear this: if you betray me, I’ll burn you alive.
Varys: AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOOOOUUUU!
Less romantic than the initial version. Not as catchy.
This scene with Dany ends with by having a meeting with Melisandre. Moments after being blamed for not being loyal enough, Varys has a go at Melisandre for not being loyal enough, which really goes against the argument he just made of 'being for the peopl'. What a turncoat bellend. Melisandre worships the Lord Of Light. This religion is quite extreme and quite annoying. The Red Priests are like Jehovah’s Witnesses but with more fire and necromancy, but less door knocking. Swings and roundabouts.
GOT gets more liberal this week. After last week’s episode having a ‘woman’ on screen (Bloody Liberal snowflakes), they decided to go a step further. They discuss “The Prince That Was Promised” but they state that the terminology of Prince is gender neutral, meaning that it could be applicable to Daenerys. IT’S PC GONE MAD. What’s going to happen next week? Daenerys and her band of FEMINAZIS give up on total dominance AND JUST TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS? Instead of killing all the men in a battle for the Iron Throne, Daenerys decides to kill everyone by giving an 28 point lecture on Feminist theory and intersectionality. IT’S BLOODY PC GONE MAD. (N.B. I feel like Alex Jones when I write in caps)
There was actually a deleted scene for the Melisandre scene and in an effort to recreate it: I’ve typed up the script here for you and it goes like this.
Melisandre: Welcome to Dragonstone!
Dany: We’ve just set up in the war room.
Melisandre: (Panic) You haven’t touched the war-table have you?!
Dany: Of course I have, we’ve started our plans. Is there a reason why I shouldn’t have touched it?
Melisandre: Err no reason. Definitely did not have mad lustful sex with a king of Westeros resulting with me giving birth to a shadow assassin which was sent to kill King Renly. No reason.
(Tyrion slowly rubs his hands with sexual deviancy)
"Shit. They totally know"
Melisandre gives the suggestion to meet up with King of the North, Jon Snow (Westeros’ saddest king), as he could be a great ally. IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING- JON AND DAENERYS will meet! They can join forces and be Westeros’ finest double act. They can call themselves “A Song of Ice and Fire” and wear the appropriate spandex. I’m personally looking forward to their meeting as it could be an epic alliance OR it could be Westeros’ next batch of hot incest love. Fingers crossed!
Talking about potentially awkward family reunions, Tyrion sends a raven from Dragonstone to Winterfell to relay this message. Sansa, his ex-wife, received this message and mutters “He doesn’t text or call for two years and now he wants an alliance! Typical! Alimony first – then we’ll talk”. But it is worthwhile to mention that they are technically still married. They both kinda forgot to annul the marriage due to the fact that they were both fleeing from the capital as fugitives for Joffrey’s death and they were both too busy escaping, becoming heartbroken and getting so powerful so they can enact their revenge on Cersei to call each other. Pretty busy, but pretty similar schedule. Maybe they don’t need a divorce after all!
How to train your Dragon (to receive Ballista bolts in the forehead)
Westeros’ best Claire Underwood impersonator, Cersei Lannister sits in the Throne room trying to deal with the people scared about dragons. Being a cold-blooded creature herself, she understands why they could be scared of terrifying monsters. She receives a lot of angry and accusing questions asking how will she deal with the problem, and she gives unsatisfying replies. It’s essentially like watching Question Time but David Dimbleby has been replaced with a 7 foot tall resurrected corpse
who can crush a man's skull (like normal Question Time).
Maester Qyburn (Arch-Nemesis of the Smurfs) attempts to provide a solution to the infestation of giant fire lizards by taking the Queen into the basement. Creepy. In fact this one of the creepiest places in Westeros. The only other place to beat THIS LEVEL of creepiness is any room with Littlefinger in it.
These giant and priceless skulls are tactlessly shot at with a giant crossbow which Qyburn has organised. Qyburn asks Cersei to “pull the lever” of the Ballista. Unfortunately this is his version of “Pull my finger” and farts in front of the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms instead of firing a bolt. After profusely apologising, he creates a plan to kill dragons. Meanwhile Jaime meets the Randall Tarly’s unfortunately named son: Dickon. Don’t ask how he got that name.
War. What is it good for? (Destroying Lannisters)
The war talks begin with Dany and her potential allies. What is great here is that all of the leaders and the people in charge of the war plans are women. IT’S PC GONE MAD AGAIN – THE DAILY MAIL WILL WRITE ABOUT THIS! OBVIOUSLY ONLY MEN CAN CREATE CHAOS AND START WARS.
These fierce and highly dangerous women discuss how to take over Westeros and they do it well as they plan to take over King’s Landing and Casterley Rock. It’s like Westeros’ version of Loose Women, but the only thing that is ‘loose’ is a bowstring, as an arrow flies towards your face (presumably for making the comparison to Loose Women).
50 Shades Of Grey Worm:
This episode refocuses our attention on Westeros’ most boring romance between Dany’s advisors: Missandei (runner-up in the ’Over-long and unnecessarily hard-to-spell names’ competition) and Grey Worm (runner-up to the Bald Eunuch of the Year Award, behind Varys). Finally, the Unsullied finally gets sullied (I don’t know what that means) and starts his courtship with Missandei. And that is putting politely. It was rather a steamy scene and it looks like they were making music video for Foreigner “I want to know what love is”. Seriously: it works so well. Watch it below. VERY MUCH NSFW.
My mum watched this scene and she said to me afterwards:
“Ooh, I loved that scene, I really wanted to see what he was packing down there”. That’s my mother who said that. I only threw up 3 times. But obviously the response to that was “Well – he is called Grey Worm for a reason”.
This explicit scene ends with Grey Worm saying “Shall we take this to the War Table?”.
A new feature of this blog series is to count a running total of boobs throughout the series:
Current Series Boob Count (CSBC)
2 (excluding Littlefinger)
Arya Kidding me?
Arya follows in her father’s footstep and takes on Sean Bean’s miserable demeanor for the whole episode. She even stays miserable when she meets old friend HOT PIE! He’s back (N.B. Hot Pie was originally my stripper name). Despite lack of grace whilst Arya wolfs (pun intended) down her free food, the pair catch up.
Hot Pie: What have you been up to?
Arya: I was blind for a bit, moved to Braavos to become an assassin, and killed the entire Frey house in one fell swoop.
Hot Pie: I butter bread before baking it. It makes it taste a lot better.
One of the biggest Game Of Thrones theories was quashed in this scene as we find out that Hot Pie is NOT VEGAN. This is a shock to the devastated online community who have been conspiring on this theory for many years.
Finally they go their separate ways; Arya says “Try not to get yourself killed”. Hot Pie replies to this with “I won’t, I’m a survivor”. IDIOT. No one in Westeros has ever survived longer than 5 minutes with that being said. Either this is some blatant foreshadowing or it's a red herring and we are going to be seeing Hot Pie ride one of Dany’s dragons into battle very soon.
Arya goes into the woods and on her way up to Winterfell. We finally see what happened with Arya’s Direwolf, Nymeria. It seems that Nymeria has got a wolfpack, but Arya has not got her wolf back. This is a very emotive scene as Arya finally found someone in this world she loves, but was rejected by it. Arya seen listening to Elliot Smith as she welcomes adulthood into her life.
It’s funny that Arya was blank and docile whilst meeting her old albeit chubby, friend but she connects so much more to a six foot tall Direwolf which could rip her to shreds. She has a more engaging interaction with future rug than with a person that can’t tell what gender Arya is (PC GONE MAD).
Sand Snakes and Grey Joys.
Obviously the final scene was something not to be missed. Yara Greyjoy (Although she is called Asha in the books) was getting off with Elleria Sand in a round of ‘Secondary character love-making’. (Oh andthere was also a ship battle. BUT MORE ON THE KISSING). Theon stands watching over the two lust-birds and Elia asks Yara/Asha the following.
“Phew – what’s that smell?”
“Reek’s in here” Yara/Asha replies.
Euron, as a member of the DUP, starts attacking the ships as he strictly against same-sex sex scenes. An epic battle ensues and Euron eliminates the majority of the Greyjoys and Martells. Theon is fighting and then he sees Yara/Asha/Potentially Lily Allen been held hostage by their Uncle Euron. This family has some serious issues, more issues than Jeremy Kyle is qualified to deal with.
This is it. This is Theon’s chance for redemption. This is his chance to prove that he is not Reek anymore but he is a man. More than that: he is a hero. He is a champion of what is wrong and what is right AND he has just jumped off the boat in cowardice. Like a dog ashamed of pissing on the carpet, he jumps off the boat in shame.
In all fairness, I actually have a theory why he did that. Theon jumped off the boat, not because he was scared, just because he wanted to replicate his Jack/Rose moment from Titanic by himself.
Other shit this week:
Bran still trapped within his own plothole. Writers attempt to dig him out ASAP.
Jorah, after seeing Cersei’sFinnish Metal band look last week decided to go one step further and get his whole body done. Unfortunately the look he has ended up with is the budget version of The Thing from Fantastic Four.
Hearing that they are the current trend, Varys gets a topknot and is immediately called a “bald cunt” by The Hound.
Olenna Tyrell joins the ranks of Duncan Bannatyne, Deborah Meaden and Theo Paphitis, as she takes her own advice and she decided to “Be A Dragon”. If Dany fails as Queen, she’s out.
Cersei abdicates her throne to recognise the one true ruler of Westeros: Hot Pie. He is king of baking bread and making peace. His first and only policy is to butter the entirety of Westeros to make it taste better.
Thanks for reading! Please share and leave a comment! See you next week.