(Reposting on the website from two year ago)
BEND THE KNEE: Series 7 Episode 5:EASTWATCH
Great to have you back to Bend The Knee (as Dany is desperate for Lannister soldiers and Kings to do). We have another week or mirth, fire and plotholes (The three gifts I received by the Three wise men on my birthday). Spoilers ahead.
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BaeWatchWe jump straight back in (like Bronn did into the lake) to where we left off in the last episode. Bronn gives Jaime hastily improvised swimming lessons by pushing him out of the way of dragon’s fire and miraculously saves him.
They drag themselves onto the sand, and barely make it out alive. Apart from the coughing up water and decimation of their army – they seem to be having a lovely, romantic day out together. They look like as if they’re recreating the beginning of ‘Grease’ where Danny and Sandy are making out on the beach – which works well as Danny saves Sandy’s life from drowning too. This would be a welcome plot twist, especially if the Game Of Thrones suddenly turned into a musical. Imagine Jaime and Bronn singing to each other:
*summer loving*Bronn: Summer loving had me a blast (LITERALLY).Jaime: Summer loving happened so fast (That dragonfire nearly killed me). Bronn: Met a kingslayer, Crazy for me-e-e.Jaime: Met a BRONN, rough as can be.Unison: Winter days drifting in, to-ah some White Walker nights. WELL-A-WELL-AMercenaries: TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE – Did he have both hands?Burnt Lannister soldiers: TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE – does he think with his glands?
Undoubtedly – Cersei is Rozzo in this situation.
This leads nicely onto Bronn talking really romantically to Jaime. They are both heavily panting after making it out of the water alive. Jaime initiates the pillow talk with “You could have killed me?” which shows his utter gratitude to saving his life. Bronn returns this love and compassion by saying “Listen Cunt, until I get what I’m owed, ONLY I GET TO KILL ya”. I think I saw that on a Hallmark card once.
The Lannisters significantly lost the battle and Jaime seems saddened to have made it out alive as he has to tell his sister/Queen/lover the awful news. He says to Bronn “I have to tell Cersei” and Bronn replies ”may as well jump back in that river”. Bronn has a point as Jaime has already survived one attack by a scaled, cold-blooded creature that has a tendency for burning down important buildings.
Tyrion walks across the battlefield with mud everywhere, everything is on fire and there are many burnt –to-the-crisp soldiers. Tyrion looks in horror as he is not sure if he is at a battlefield or Day 5 of Glastonbury Festival. Tyrion hears the music of a ginger cameoing prick and shivers to find out where he is at.
"If he plays Galway Girl ONE MORE FUCKING TIME..."
Due to the intense fire, people have fossilised in the positions they died in, like if they were like Pompeii. Say what you want about Dany‘s leadership but at least she is creating tourist attractions for Westeros and trying to create some revenue. There are barely any Westeros Tourist attractions apart from great landmarks like: Ramsey Bolton’s involuntarily limb museum, The Hound’s giant swear-jar and Bran’s paint-drying wall.
Dany is on FIRE!The prisoners of the war are marched up to the hill where Drogon is sat upon a hill, where it looks like he is giving a sermon on the mount.
“Alright everyone, turn your books to page 246 and we’ll read from Mark 20:2. Remember, no talking or I burn you alive.”
Dany offers these soldiers a pretty solid deal: join her and hang out with her cool dragon or get killed by the aforementioned cool dragon. A hard choice which only idiots decline. And these idiots are Randall and Dickon (*teehee*) Tarly. The Tarlys are oddly loyal to the Lannisters after only 5 minutes of taking their banner/side. What a weird time to ditch your pragmatism: Tarly has just betrayed the house he has supported for his entire life for money - but NOW he decides to decline switching sides once again because he has honour and loyalty. Hmm.
Randall Tarly gets a bit UKIPy as he explains that he doesn’t want foreigners coming over here and taking Westerosi jobs. Dany explains she was born here and has a legitimate claim to the throne. Randall then lands a job with Breitbart, a column with the Mail Online and a show on LBC. For this, Dany sends them to their death.
Tyrion’s bonfire night is ruined by the Tarly’s being sentenced to becoming human marshmallows as they get very much toasted. It’s odd, when Dany burns people, people love her: but when Stannis burns his daughter EVERYONE HATES HIM (#ITSPCGONEMAD). But then again Dany has a cool flair, but Stannis is so bland that he makes Bran flakes look interesting. Or just make normal Bran look interesting.
Here Kit(y) Harington!
What a romance filled episode. First Bronn, Cersei and now Jon Snow has a romantic connection to the only thing he is able to match his moodiness with: A Dragon. They meet on top of the hilltop and have their Jack/Rose Titantic moment.
Dany assures Jon to pet Drogon “DON’T WORRY – HE DOESN’T BITE” she says but mutters under her breath “But he does burn people alive and destroy cities...”. Dragons are essentially like big cats – aren’t they? They are cute but not afraid to kill you if you don’t feed them. They also both play with yarn/ the skulls of their enemies.
Near, far, wherever you are - I BELIVE THAT THE HEART DOES GO OONNNNNN
Drogon flies off and Dany talks:
Dany: They’re beautiful aren’t they?Jon: I just shat myself. TerrifyingDany: Oh.Jon: Come on Dany. Get your shit together.Dany: Seems like you have done that already.
Jon is like a boyfriend being brought home for the first time. He is very nice a polite to Dany as he is trying to woo her still. But when gets to her house for the first time, he realises that she is a crazy dragon lady, but he still tries to be polite all the same: “Oh yes. He's really-yeah-cute They are – ahem- really nice. Really nice beasts”. “THEY ARENT BEASTS”. "Uh - sorry?". But the Dragon does like him, meaning that Dany likes him even more. They even try some sexting afterwards.
Jon: Wuu2Dany: Conquering my enemies. U?
Jon: Nm. Can I stroke ur dragon again plzDany: That’s really gross.
Dany questions Jon about the Knife in the heart. Jon is about to answer before he is ‘Saved By The Jorah’ so Jon doesn’t have to answer. Jorah is back and he is already very touchy feely. Jorah and Jon compete for the secret lusting of Dany and who has the biggest daddy issues. Dany favours Jorah so Jon stands grumpily in the background with a jealous look. Friendzoned.
Jon starts listening to Bowling For Soup to ail his wounds
Varys and Tyrion chat about a letter meant for Jon Snow. Tyrion asks “Did you read this scroll for Jon snow?”. He replies “It’s for the king of the north… OF COURSE I READ IT!”. Varys is like a one man NSA and collects everyone's information and has had far too many cookies. Plot twist: Edward Snowden takes him down in the next episode.
At the war council the team is tasked with some dangerous missions. Jon is tasked to capture a White Walker but even more perilous: Tyrion is tasked with talking to his brother. Worst of all Davos is tasked to smuggle in Tyrion alongside some Razzle magazines and duty-free cigarettes.
Bran-d New World
Bran starts warging/tripping on LSD and turns into a Raven who has just remember that it he has left the oven on at home.
SHIT. I've seen the series finale.
Bran spots the Night King but no one heeds Winterfell’s cry for help. The white walkers are like Global warming. Everyone knows it’s an issue that is rapidly coming to destroy us, but people just don’t give a shit. They are apathetic until it affects them. There are many rich people who deny it even happens for their own monetary gain (they are called Republicans).
Back in Winterfell, Sansa is really Cersei-ing the place up. The northern lords are turning against Jon because, you know, he is trying to save their lives – what an unsuitable leader. Sansa is a glass of red wine and another bad marriage away from being the Queen of Westeros. Arya sees through this and disputes with her sister about it. They collide politically as they have two different outlooks. This is like going home for Christmas with family. At first it’s lovely to see your family who you’ve missed, but after you realise why you left them in the first place, you’ve start to realise that they are the worst people and refuse to see them until next year.
It’s a really sweet scene as we see Arya and Sansa show the seams of their brutal experiences whilst reflecting the people they have always been. Sansa wants to be diplomatic and unified, Arya wants to cut people’s heads off the instance they piss her off, but she is practical. Sansa explains that though that is satisfying you can’t do that to everyone: Sansa is the customer service end of the business and Arya is the muscle. Sansa is the Marks And Spencer’s, Arya is The late night petrol station which you desperately need. Arya thinks that Sansa is going to backstab Jon for power and control; Which I’m sure Jon would appreciate, he was stabbed in the front before, a back stab would be a nice change of pace.
(Hand Of The) King’s Landing
Tyrion arrives covertly with Davos in King’s Landing and reminisces on the good times by saying “Last time I was here I killed my father with a crossbow”. I think I saw that on a Hallmark card once. However Davos takes it once step further and says “Last time I WAS here – you killed my son with wildfire”. Awkward.
They both leave for the boat and this scene unfolds.
Tyrion: Arent you staying with the boat?Davos: Nah pet, I’ve got mah own business in flea bottom like. Nuts magazine aren’t gonna sell themselves.Tyrion: What about the boat if it gets nicked?Davos: Then we are fucked (Necks a Guinness)
My firstborn child will be called Davos “motherfucking” Seaworth. Whilst Tyrion goes to meet Jaime for the first time since he killed their dad and captured their family home for a dragon queen, Davos goes to Flea Bottom to see Gendry (who?). Last time we Gendry was in Season 3 where he was just rowing away from Stannis, and we have assumed he had still been rowing continuously since no one mentioned him ever again. He only just arrived -world’s slowest rower.
Davos greets him warmly (well they are standing next to a forge) and gives him some sage wisdom. Davos says “Nothing fucks you harder than time”. The question we are all asking is: Does time have a phone number I can use? Davos’s answer: “Yes – it’s in the back pages of the aforementioned Razzle. Wye Aye”. Gendry agrees to the leave his home faster than Varys says yes to suncream on his head.
They head back to the boat but two guards find the boat. Davos tries to persuade them with some fermented crab and apparently that is considered a bribe to Davos. To everyone else, it’s clear he has stopped taking his medication. This doesn’t work for long and Gendry offers his bribe – one free Warhammer to the head. Funnily enough, their faces now look like fermented crab. Gendry makes a strong first impression to Tyrion, but then again it was a fantastic advert for his weapon making skills.Tasty, Tasty chlorinated chicken/ fermented crab.
Jaime heads back to the capital to report about what he has done to his Sister/Queen/Lover and he is not looking forward to doing this. After his meeting with Tyrion he must confess that he has met Tyrion and must ask a favour for him. This is going to be incredibly awkward as Cersei will scorn him for this. Jaime walks in with Qyburn chatting to the Queen. Qyburn always wears a very heavy and dark cloak. He must always be sweating his balls off – doesn’t he have any other clothes in his wardrobe? Hopefully he wears pants under there and he isn't just commando.
Jaime goes in to tell Cersei and awkwardness ensues, causing Jaime to have his very own Larry David moment with the help of some Curb Your Enthusiasm music.
Cersei obviously already knows. But what Jaime doesn’t know is that Cersei is pregnant again. She is about to have another child she can raise to be an arsehole or kill off- how sweet. Jaime asks who they are going to say the father is. Cersei says “you”. More curb music plays.
Cersei tries to reassure him with a quote from their father: “The Lion does not concern himself with the opinions of the sheep” and Jaime finds solace in that. However when Tywin said that I think he was thinking that quote to be used in regards to wars and in ruling Westeros - not to do advocate his children to fuck each other. Wrong context. Cersei ends this romantic/sickening interlude by saying to Jaime “Never Betray Me Again”. I think I’ve seen that on a Hallmark card once.
Major spoilers here guys – don’t go forward unless you want to hear some major spoilers. You have been warned:
The Citadel confirmed to have 15,782 steps. Wow.How much fucks do I give about that conversation: 0.
"Gilly - stop using that Hallmark Card joke. It's wearing thin and you aren't Stewart Lee".
15,782 Steps is a lot of members in a pop band. Also apparently accordingly to Gilly that there was a High Septon who recorded all of his bowel movements and Sam jokes to say it was 15,782 poos recorded. Maybe as a performance art piece, this religious leader pooped on every single step. I did that once during Fresher’s week. It would also drastically change the Rent song: Seasons of love. “15,782 minutes, 15,782 poops on a staircase, 15,782 moments so dear”.
Sam is just trying to figure out the secret of saving the world, but Gilly is giving him shit (literally) so he gets snappy with her. So snappy that she reveals a big ol’ spoiler and he doesn't notice. Tried to fly that under the radar didn’t you HBO? You cheeky fucking devils. Ragger Targaryen got an annulment huh? Sam leaves the citadel after fulfilling Jorah’s plot arc and gets bored of his own plotline. He leaves to become a burden elsewhere.
Fuck me this episode is long
The final scene has Jon unite some awkward encounters. Jon meets The Hound who is with the Brotherhood Without Banners (behind bars). Gendry hates the Brotherhood for selling him away. Thoros appeals to Jorah Mormont who hates Tormund because he is a wildling and Tormund reciprocates the feeling because of his father being Jeor Mormont. Jon claims “we’re all on the same side ” whilst stood in front of the jail bars divided the group. They go beyond the wall.
Jon’s Northern Avengers are united for the next two minutes. They look like the world’s most angry boyband, talking about how much girls don’t like them and how they are going to save the world from wights. They can be called “Take That (White Walker to Daenerys)”
Other shit this week:
Cersei berates EVERY single one of her supporters. It’s very unfair, Jaime is only trying to help.
Gendry is renamed Clovis, which is actually the name of the world’s first ever cough-mixture infused loaf of bread. Buy now.
Arya finds Littlefinger’s note hidden in his bedsheets– like he is a teenage boy with a copy of one of Davos’s Razzles. The note says:“Fuck off Arya. P.S. I’m wanking at the time of writing this”
New Westeros Porn DVD released called: Two Queens – one crown. It’s really hot (literally – so much fire).
Battle Of The Bastards Part 2 is now available: Gendry and Jon try and out-bastard each other to see who is the most ROYAL bastard.
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See you next week