August 23, 2017
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Hello? Anyway, fuck the intro – here is episode 6.
Suicide Squad (But without any Jokers)
Is this the way to Amarillo? No – it’s the way to having 7 burly men walk in frosty silence, probably to their deaths. It is the super group we have all been waiting for: The Magnificently Incompatible 7. They are all like a superhero squad as they have different superpowers and abilities.
Jon Snow: He’s the leader and has the power to have daddy issues and avoid death a lot.
The Hound: The power to swear a lot and eat chicken.
Jorah: The power of unrequited love and a lot of self-pity.
Tormund: The power to have a big beard.
Gendry: The power to be young and have a big hammer (like Thor)
Thoros: The power to bring people back to life.
Beric: The Power to be brought back to life (and has a cool sword)
Jon breaks the ice (literally) by asking Gendry “Have you ever been North of the Wall before?”.
Gendry says “I’ve never seen Snow before”. Jon says “I’m beautiful aren’t I?”. Gendry blushes.
Jon asks “How do you keep you balls from freezing off”. Tormund replies“Fighting, Moving and FUCKING IS best”. The heroes all look around in confusion. “But Tormund…There aren’t any girls around”. Tormund grins maniacally and whispers: “I DON’T MIND IF YOU DON’T”. Jon Snow shivers and whispers “This is not the Same-sex scenes I was hoping for…”
The Brotherhood asks Gendry if they forgive him yet.
Gendry: YOU SOLD ME TO A WITCH!
Thoros: Nah – it was only a priestess
Which is essentially what every conversation on Twitter boils down to: Never admitting your failure, and dismissing any legitimate arguments if they got a technicality slightly incorrect. They keep on talking and Thoros says “But you know – at least you got laid Gendry AND THAT kinda led to the death of three kings”. Tormund looks over, licking his lips “He sounds VERY good in bed”.
The Hound steps over to tell Gendry to stop complaining (and in all fairness, with all the characters in that squad, they all have more baggage than RyanAir’s lost and found- and Gendry has had it pretty light) and the Hound says “Well Beric has died 6 times and he doesn’t bitch about it”. This is the world’s biggest guilt trip. The perfect conversation closer.
Jorah and Jon discuss their history and chat to one another. They get on nicely, seeing as they are essentially the same character and only have one monotonous feeling. Jon decides to give Jorah Longclaw which is really sweet. What is with the men of the Night’s Watch giving Jorah lots of really nice and priceless things – like a family heirloom or a cure to the incurable Greyscale. Jorah prays that Dany joins the Night’s watch so she can give him some love.
The Hound exhibits lovely Westeros charm and hospitality to the free folk.
Tormund: You’re the one they call the Dog?
Hound: Fuck off.
If I had to to show people what “Game Of Thrones” really was – I’d show them that. All it needs is a pair of tits in the background. Tormund asks whether The Hound is being mean to him because he is a wildling. The Hound replies “I don’t give a shit about wildlings. I just hate gingers”. Which is a backhanded tolerance from the Hound. But maybe he hates gingers because their hair looks like it’s always on fire. Or maybe he just REALLY hates Ed Sheeran.
Tormund tries to be The Hound’s therapist and discusses the root of his meanness. This is Tormund we are talking about. Tormund ‘massive ginger wildling brute that wants to fuck and kill everything’ Giantsbane. I may have to change my Councillor to someone with blood smeared across their face as they ask me “So tell me about your week?”. The Hound ends the conversation, as he does with every conversation, “How does a mad fucker like you survive this long?”. I love Mr. Clegane.
This episode really doesn’t pull any punches and it really starts spending it’s budget. Firstly they fight some zombie bears with flaming swords. I feel like my inner-teenager in me (not in a Pycelle way) is loving it and going crazy for this. This Zombear is lethal and there are some random people in this squad. Obviously the additional people (who were never introduced or explained for being there) die first as they had a clear marker over their head which said “Expendable” (and it probably says the same in the credits. Expendable number 1 will be sorely missed.
Then the Zombear is SET ON FIRE. Teenage me is having his mindblown! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME. However having great massive flames is also The Hound’s greatest fear (other than love) so he doesn’t get involved. Thoros is gutted but healed by the fire sword. Teenage me is paralysed with coolness.
Then, to cut a long thing short, they capture a dead thing and shit hits the fan as an army of dead approaches them. I've saved you 20 minutes. Jon demands Gendry to flee with a message.
“GENDRY – you are the fastest – go back to Eastwatch now!”
“It took me 3 years to row a boat!”.
However, Gendry’s track records improves heavily and decides to replicate the run at Marathon. Gendry runs for two minutes and he arrives at the wall. Gendry is calculated to have a running speed of 300mph. He’s going to join the Westeros Olympic team soon.
We're going tot nee a bigger boat
The group of angry yet emotionally vulnerable men get surrounded on all sides and are trapped by a sheet of breaking ice. I guess you could say they were **ON THIN ICE** (Dabs). Expendable man 2 Is down and everyone is saddened and takes a minute silence. And what looks like the world’s most epic moshpit – they are unfortunately stuck in the middle trapped by legions of the dead. Emotionally, It feels like going home to my family for Christmas.
Arya does her best Sean bean impression and acts moody. Arya then discusses Episode one from Series 1. She does a very sweet monologue about shooting an arrow, gender politics and her father’s approval. And in true Arya fashion – she ends the conversation, as she does with all conversations by saying “And now he is dead”. Arya, has murdered a lot of enemies, but the thing she has killed the most is joy.
Arya, in another bid for nostalgia, brings up a note that Sansa was forced to write for the Lannisters. Heat is thrown between the two sisters as they show their contempt for each other. Though being on the same side, they play a game of “Who has been treated the worst”, a game in which nobody wins except Littlefinger. The sisters are in icy territory – but not as bad as Jon though. It would be great if there could be a mediator between the two – I don’t know, maybe the brother who can see into the future? Maybe that would work? No of course not, Bran is being useless as ever and sat in a room waaiting to be relevant to the plot.
Littlefinger continues to be a prick.
Sansa gets an invitation to King’s Landing, but decides to send Brienne down for some convoluted reason. She objects and suggests she shouldn’t leave Sansa when Littlefinger around. Brienne is the least savvy person in the world and even she can tell that Littlefinger is up to some fucking shit. If she knows to be wary, you know you are in danger. Sansa really has that Cersei vibe, and ends up insulting Brienne and hurts one of the only people that truly cares for her.
The final Sansa scene is just really weird as she finds Arya’s bag of –erm- faces? Maybe Arya is into some really kinky shit? I wish Arya had tried to explain it better: “Erm – I’m holding them for a friend?”. But no – Arya goes into full psychopath and threatens to slice off her sister’s face. Can you feel the sisterly love? I’m starting to understand why maybe they were kept apart for 6 series. After this encounter, Arya got so drunk. She was absolutely off her face.
Dany, the Dragon Queen of the universe.
“Tyrion is not a hero” says Dany. Tyrion gets upset. I think Tyrion is heroic – but not in a fighting way, or a way that he succeeds, or that he fights against evil, he kills his family… actually I think I’ve changed my mind.
Tyrion tells Dany that Jon fancies her. Dany denies it but then Tyrion retorts with “Oh I suppose he looks longingly at you for a strong military alliance”. That’s a great euphemism but I’m not sure what for. Dany then considers this, but says “He’s too small for me”. Missandei pops her head in and says “Smallness has never been a problem for me. Grey Worm and I have done… many things”.
Cersei becomes the subject of conversation. Dany says “Well she’d rather kill me than sit down to talk to me”. In all fairness, with Cersei, that’s pretty much everyone – just don’t take it personally. She even does this for her children and lovers.
This is a scene where Tyrion needs to make Dany listen and be open to suggestions. This creates an awkward conversation in which Dany gets annoyed and Tyrion is trying to be considerate and diplomatic. They act as if they are an married couple who hate each other
Tyrion: Honey, we need to talk
Dany: About what?
Tyrion: Well- you have been really impulsive recently…
Dany: What are you talking about. I’ll burn you alive!
Tyrion: This is actually what I’m talking about. First you set the neighbours on fire, then you are burning the Tarlys…
Dany: YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING UP THE TARLYS.
Tyrion: You burnt them both alive when you could have had a better outcome.
Dany: Yeah but one of them did have a silly name.
Tyrion: Yes but that’s beside the point.
Dany: IT WAS NECESSARY. And you want to choose a successor? YOU’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY DEATH TOO.
Dany: I’m staying at my sisters. By “my sisters” I mean, I’m staying in a cave for three days with my dragons.
Dany flies off in a huff to north of the wall to help out. Tyrion buys her petrol shop flowers to say sorry when she returns.
Farewells and new beginnings
(also know as ‘Can’t think of a pun – but the last 30 mins are amazing’)
Thoros dies whilst the group endures the wait. The Hound, in his honour, steals his wine and drinks it immediately. Grief hits us all in different ways. Beric’s party trick wears thin but uses it to set Thoros body on fire. They discuss the next plan of attack. But before they can decide on a solid plan they realise that the ice is solid and firm (unlike their plan). The Hound hurls a stone and lands on the ice and the skeletons get moving. The Hound’s days of skimming stones are over. Expendable 3 is down instantly and I shot a rifle in the sky for his honour. Lest we forget.
Tormund is in danger and seeing as he is partly responsible for the situation, The Hound goes into megadrive and saves Tormundd’s life, on the brink of death. The Hound does this because he considers Tormund to be a close friend. By a close friend, I mean someone he hasn’t called a “Cunt” for a couple of hours. They say that they are no heroes in Game of Thrones, but that was a mighty heroic thing to do. The Hound will still act like an arsehole but still, it was really sweet. Tormund will still be able to go on his date with Brienne yet.
This is the point where my notes kind of stopped as I was utterly absorbed by the whole battle. So here is what I could sum up from my notes:
Dragons are so cool.
Nailed it! This destruction of the dragons are intense and it’s great to finally have a worthy competitor for the White Walkers. However this obviously comes at a high cost. The Night king hurls the ice bolt into one of the Dragons and kills it. I was genuinely squealing with sadness. I’ve haven’t felt this sad since the Red Wedding. Actually the last time I felt so bad when Drogon was hit by the ballista two episodes ago, but still my point remains: I’ve never felt so sad. R.I.P Viserion. You will be sorely missed (Like the expendables).
The remaining dragons fly away without Jon, but saving the others. GOT main characters are impervious to drowning apparently. And hyperthermia. Then Uncle Benjen comes (from nowhere) to save Jon from the freezing cold and fights off Whitewalkers to save him. Benjen is just a nickname, his real name is ‘Deus Ex Benjen’ and comes along to save Jon in the nick of time.
The group meets after being saved and say their farewells. There is another dosage of The Hound’s charm and heart-wrenching rhetoric.
Beric: We’ll meet again Clegane.
Hound: Fucking hope not
He sounds like a character from F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. Imagine if The Hound just turned up in the Great Gatsby.
“Hey There old sport…”
“WHERE’S THE FUCKING WINE”
“Just follow the green light…”
Hopefully, the Green light is where The Mountain is. #Cleganebowl #GetHyped.
Jon arrives at the wall and he is recovered by Dany. Jon apologies straight away and they have this heartfelt moment and Dany pledges all her forces to help defeat the Night King. Say what you want about the Night King, but he is really good at bringing people together. And he certainly did bring people closer... as Jon proposes to Daenerys. I guess Jon did bend the knee in a different manner. Jaime and Cersei – take note- this how you do incest PROPERLY.
This episode was the right amount of awesomeness and heartbreak that an episode should have. It was pitch perfect Game Of Thrones episode (apart from the time logic, Arya being weird and a distinct lack of sex recently). But the finale of the episode ends on a bittersweet notion. The White Walkers take Viserion’s corpse and make an Ice Dragon. AN ICE DRAGON!!! Teenage me has transcended awesomeness and has now passed out in a fit of overhype.
Other shit this week
Expendable 4 is down. The next episode is dedicated to the memory of him.
Jaime and Cersei try to pick a name for their unborn incestuous product. They think maybe Jaime if it’s a boy or Cersei if it’s a girl. They clearly like keeping it within their own family.
Jon and Beric bond about the one thing they have in common – how they are brought back from the dead. They compare notes and share tips and tricks for resurrection.
Beric says that “Death is the enemy”. Funnily enough this is actually a tattoo I have on my back next to 18 skeletons and a picture of the 7 layers of hell. I’m a real hoot to be around.
Brienne and Tormund go for an elegant first date to a 5 star gourmet restaurant, with some light jazz in the background. They do small talk about wine and enjoy their crab entrée. This last five minutes before they attempt to murder each other. They will meet for a second date.
Please like and share before the finale next week!